I tried to keep a brave face but the ride home from Chicago wasn't as much fun as the drive up. Knowing that it was probably the last time I would see Dad in person was weighing heavy.
As T slept my thoughts turned to V. He was strangely cold the last time we spoke and I was trying to look at our relationship from his point of view.
All these years I felt guilty about betraying my husband. Now I feel even more guilt because V is alone. I have been asking for more and more of his time calling him when I don't know who he is with or what he is doing.
I have nothing to offer but conversation. I always put him last to avoid hurting my husband even more than I already had. I had to work in times to write him or talk to him online and I couldn't tell anyone.
Before Mom died I played the role of the good kid. My siblings expected me to be the voice of reason and mediate between them. Putting others feelings and problems before my own was part of my nature. Even my husband’s family would talk to me before him about family issues.
So who am I now? I thought as I drove south on I-65. I'm a selfish bitch in love with one man and bound to another. I had no right to tell V all my problems or to expect him to understand my situation. He deserved a full time lover. Someone who could do everyday things for him like cook a meal, run an errand, give him a hug after a hard day, cool him down with a night of love making... My husband deserved better too.
The night we arrived home I stayed up late and wrote V a long letter. I asked if he would be happier if I were not a part of his life. I also asked him to promise that he would not allow me to interfere with him dating other women.
I found him online the next day "Would you be jealous if I dated someone else?" he asked
"I would wish it could be me. Honestly, yes I would be jealous. I love you so of course I want what is best for you. I will accept the situation like you did for me. If you fall in love with someone else you may not want to talk to me anymore and I will understand. I could never regret knowing you. I will always love you even if you need to move on. The only thing I ask is that you promise if that time comes you will tell me and not disappear without a word."
He called me silly and said his feelings for me had not changed. "Of course I would be happier if you were here with me but I accepted your situation a long time ago. It is hard sometimes being alone, knowing you are living with another man. If I find someone else it will not mean that I won't love you anymore. What we have is not ideal but it's meaningful and good. I still love you in the same old way and I always will."
"Forever?" I asked
"Eternally, unconditionally." he responded
"There is something you could do for me" he said.
"Buy a digital camera". I laughed "What?"
"Part of you belongs to me right? "Yes" I replied " So I should be able to see you naked when I want to." he said "Why do you want that?" I asked "You have seen me naked. Seriously V, I look better with clothes on". "Stop it you are beautiful" he said.
"Besides, it's not about you looking better or worse. I want to see you naked today and next week and next year and even when you are old, gray and wrinkled. It's a matter of knowing you in a way that only a lover knows you."
No comments:
Post a Comment