Chapter 15

The next few months were a blur. In November, 01, the stent they put in Jacks heart in September closed up causing another heart attack. This was the scariest one yet, we had to call 911. Still they had him in and out of the hospital faster than the time before. By December he was back at work and things were starting to even out.

V seemed to be making an effort to stay in touch more regularly. Often it was only a note sent in the middle of the night to say good morning. For a long time, if he wrote to me in the middle of the night I would wake up.  It was becoming more of a rarity. I felt him slipping away and there was nothing I could do about it. Even if I could do anything I wasn't sure it was right to try.

 I stopped calling him without asking first after I called him when he was with a client. ”I didn’t mean to interrupt you while you are working, I will call you another time” I said apologetically. “It’s ok talk to Jimmy for a minute while I take some measurements.”   “Hello” an amused voice came through the phone. "So you are a friend of V’s?  He is a nice guy. If it weren’t for him the house I am building would never be built correctly.”   I could hear V in the background “She is a good woman Jimmy. You should buy her a plane ticket and ask her to visit you. You two would probably hit it off. ”   Suddenly our conversation became very awkward. “It was nice talking to you. I will let you two finish your business.“ I said in my most polite professional tone."  " Hold on, V is almost done” Jimmy said nervously.    V came back on the phone again I said “It’s ok to tell me you are busy if I call at a bad time. “ “No, it's ok babe, Jimmy enjoyed talking to you“ V said. “He is a good sport. Tell him I enjoyed our conversation. I will talk you another time.” I tried to end the conversation as graciously as I could. V rarely told me when something I did or said bothered him. He always had to illustrate his point. Sometimes his lessons felt a bit cruel.

Near the end of January I wrote him and told him I missed spending time with him. Again I asked if it would be better for him if I stopped writing.  I didn’t want hitting buttons and staring at a glowing box to replace face to face human companionship in his life. Still, if he wanted me to be a part of his life then it didn't seem unreasonable to ask him to find time to spend with me.  Leaving him alone would have been extremely difficult but it was better than being a thorn in his side.  

When he finally read my note he showed up online and we had a really long conversation.  Our connection felt strong that night, he was upbeat, loving, and reassuring... it felt like it was in the beginning. “Why do you always assume that I don’t love you and don’t want to hear from you anymore whenever I don’t have time to spend online with you? Have I told you that my feelings have changed?” “Feelings do change V. People don’t always stay in love and love is not always enough.  I never want to be your charity case.”

 Before we said goodnight, he told me he loved me truly, unconditionally, eternally and in the same old way. He assured me that he wanted me to be a part of his life forever. He left me with a smile on my face, my heart lightened, my mind eased ... and then he disappeared for two weeks.

After obsessing like I always did I decided to call him on his cell phone only to hear ~ this line is no longer in service... So I dialed his home phone – same message. I didn’t know what to think.

Another week passed before I found him online. “Oh yes, I meant to tell you, I moved and changed my numbers.” “I see, so you are no longer living alone?"  I asked - no reply “Why couldn't you tell me, give me a warning? “ I asked. Again, he did not respond.  He changed the subject then said he had to go...

I wrote him later that night. "I will always love you V. You gave me a chance to be the one sleeping next to you every night. It is totally my situation, my obligations, my fault that I had to say no when you asked me to move in with you.  If you decide it is better for your new relationship if you stopped talking to me I will understand.”

His response - “Lady Drama, Stop being silly. Prove you love me and send goodies.”