I have never been very good at being seductive so I tried to compensate by being creative... I wrote V's all over my body with an eyeliner pencil, borrowed silly things from my daughters room, goofy sunglasses and hats, a frilly umbrella. Sometimes I would put little figurines in the shot like the little taco bell dog I tied a blindfold on.
This was not exactly what he had in mind but he was patient. He understood that I was a bit uncomfortable so he started giving me suggestions... Even if he had given me step by step instructions we both learned I would never make it as a porn star.
I was always paranoid that someone else might see them so I deleted the pictures off the camera immediately and the email I sent them in as soon as he opened it. If he didn't open it quickly enough sometimes I would have second thoughts and unsend them and delete those too. V was around more often and that was my main motivation.
Jack and I had not had much of a sex life since before we were married. There was a time after I started talking to V where we were having sex regularly. We were almost like a normal married couple.
Jack was so hurt and upset after he found me talking to V online in the middle of the night that I honestly worried about his health. He had been beaten down enough in life, I didn't want to be the cause of him feeling worse about himself. V encouraged me to have sex with him.. "It's what married people do" he said.
Of course, my interest in sex with Jack didn't stay around too long. It was not his fault or V's fault. It was all me. He had stopped drinking, he was attentive and loving. In fact we had not been intimate since a couple of months before I went to Miami in February. I was feeling pretty guilty about it as our wedding anniversary approached.
September 6, 2001 was our 15th anniversary. Probably not the best practice but since we only had one child we always included her in our anniversary dinners.
The three of us went to dinner at this great Mom and Pop Italian place. Before they brought the food I noticed Jack's face was red and he was starting to perspire a bit... "Are you feeling ok?" I asked "I'm fine" he replied unconvincingly "It's warm in here"
After our meal I drove home. It was obvious Jack was not well. We put T to bed and Jack started apologizing. I cut him off "Don't be silly, we will celebrate when you feel better." "I just have a little heartburn, I'll be better tomorrow" he said as we settled into bed.
Jack was still not feeling well the evening of 9/11/01. We discussed what happened and tried to comfort T by saying things like "We live in a little town, the terrorists would not target us."
After T finally went to sleep I said "Please go to the Doctor tomorrow, you have been sick a long time" "I know, if I don't feel better tomorrow I will call and make an appointment."
The next night... "Are you feeling better?" I asked "Not really" he replied "You are going to the Doctor tomorrow, I will call for you if I need to" I snapped "I promise I will go. I've been so busy at work and you know the owners..."
September 13, around 2:00 the fire alarm blared in our building. Luckily I thought to take my purse with me. As we waited outside they moved us further and further away. "Bomb threat" I heard one of the security staff say in his radio.
Our parking lot was behind the building and we were not allowed to go in there either. Around 3 my phone rang, "Hey, how did it go at the doctor?" I asked "He said I need to go to the hospital for a fucking angiogram" Jack replied. "Oh, damn, I'm sorry honey. Wait there and I will come get you." "No, dammit, you have enough to worry about. I will drive myself to the hospital you can come later when I'm ready to come home" It was almost the same conversation we had a few years before. I didn't argue "Ok, I will meet you there" I ran to the parking garage entrance "We can't let you in until the building is clear ma'am" the security guard said firmly. "My husband has had a heart attack and I need to go to the hospital. I need my car" I said with tears welling up in my eyes.. "I'm not supposed to let anyone in" he said in a sympathetic voice. Then he looked at me and said "I won't stop you but please hurry."
After having a stent inserted in an almost closed artery Jack was able to come home. The Doctor assured me he was going to be ok. I was pretty numb when I explained to T.
Outwardly going to the hospital was more annoying to her than scary. Unfortunately, between my mother, my mother in law and Jack she had been there many times by the time she was ten. It was almost routine, we knew the menu in the cafeteria. Subconsciously the fear of her father dying affected her in many ways she was not mature enough to understand.
It was a few days later when I told V the news, immediately he became scarce again. As usual I thought it was because of what was happening in my life...
Thoughts were bouncing around in my head...maybe I shouldn't have told him, maybe now he feels gulity, maybe he has finally figured out that I could qualify to be a contestant on Jerry Springer and that I will never be drama free, maybe he is simply bored with me...
Little did I know that his Father had just passed away.
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