I went online the night of Mom's birthday. Though I didn't bring it up, I was grateful that he was there. Again hours went by in seconds as we talked about everything other than what was going on in our lives. We talked about the ocean and dreams and god and aliens and butterflies and dragons and eventually yes sex…
What if this is someone I know? What if he doesn't really live 500 miles away? What if he is some crazy psycho internet killer like they warn you about? What if his girlfriend finds him talking to me and tracks me down and beats me up? What if my husband finds out I'm talking to him?
I wasn't afraid of him really. Maybe I was naive but somehow I knew he was not someone I needed to fear the first time we talked. I wasn't afraid of him harming me or my family physically. I was afraid that others would find out and though I didn't want to admit it, even to myself, I was already terrified that he would break my heart.
The next email he sent was a joke or something. You know, one of those emails that people pass along. I noticed that I was one of four women he sent it to and it upset me. I told him I didn't appreciate him giving my email address to other people...I wrote him a long letter to say that I didn't think we should talk anymore. I said I was happily married and I wasn't sophisticated enough to have random sex or an affair. I told him that it was not nice to seduce me just to prove he could.
He was offended when he responded, "Who said anything about an affair? All we have done is talk. If I had known you are such a jealous person I would not have sent you that email. If you really don't want to talk anymore then ok, but I think you are being silly."
It took time, and him pointing it out (which infuriated me) before I realized that I was jealous. I didn't want to admit it to myself muchless him. To me it was proof that he was looking for random sex and that I was just one of many.
After a few days of checking my email and not hearing from him I realized I was becoming obsessed. I decided that the best thing to do was to talk to other people online. I thought it might help me be realistic about all of this. It wasn't logical to feel so close to someone in such a short time, especially under these circumstances.
So I talked to other men online. Some were polite, some were sweet, some were creepy, and some were funny, pretty much like real life... I'm not proud to say that I kept that habit for a long time, whenever he disappeared I found someone else to talk to. Some became good friends but none of them made me feel like I felt when I talked to V.
The way he described sex was right out of a romance novel. I had some guilt at first but then I thought, I'm adult and sex is totally normal part of life so why should I be ashamed?. We weren't making plans it sort of came up in conversation when we were talking about what it was like to date. He knew I had no intention of cheating on my husband and he said the same of his girlfriend. I had some intimacy issues, in fact I wasn't sure I'd ever want to have sex again I couldn't say that to anyone but for some reason I told him.
I told him my name was Kathy but within a couple of weeks I blew that by sending him an email from work. I was so dumb I thought it would only show my email address but it gave him my whole name. Paranoia crept in and then I started to panic.
This man brought every emotion within me to the surface and I didn't even know his real name. I had never even seen a picture of him and he didn't know what I looked like either. In time I realized how stupid the letter I wrote was, I felt like I was two inches tall. I wrote back and apologized, he said it was ok but I was sure he thought I was insane and/or pathetic.
I was surprised to find him online that night. We talked like nothing had happened and I was relieved and happy but then I didn't hear from him for over a week.
He had a way of making me feel feminine. He told me that he wanted me without knowing what I looked like and I began to believe him. It was the most flattering compliment I had ever received. He enjoyed spending time with me as a woman. I was a person when we talked, not a wife, a mother, or a coworker… He wanted to talk to me about philosophy and poetry and politics and religion and life and death any every time we talked he found a way to make me feel wanted.
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