Chapter 6

 In 2000, I volunteered to work on a financial software implementation team as a functional specialist in the hopes of earning more money and possibly a promotion. Accounting is not really the most exciting type of work in the word so I was happy when I was reassigned. I had to go to Boston for training with my boss. Leaving my daughter has always been very difficult for me. 

At the time, my husband was on an upward swing.  It had been more than a year since he drank alcohol. He had recently been promoted and was making an effort to spend more time with T. Our families were getting along and were doing much better too. The only reason I was able to go was that I trusted Jack and my sister and sister in law enough to take care of her. It was nice to be able to trust them like that and no one let me down. 

A few months before we were scheduled to go live on the new system, I was told they wanted me to be a back up for another module and that I would be going to training in Atlanta with a group.  One of the project leads scheduled the training, gave us dates, details all that. About a week later we were told the training had been moved to ....Miami.....  My heart dropped when they told me.

V and I had not been talking often at the time.  Later he told me that it was hard for him to talk to me when he was living alone. He wanted me there but understood that it wasn't the right place for me to be at the time. I suppose that should have been obvious but I always had a hard time reading him. Every time he stayed away I thought he was tired of me and that I would never hear from him again. 

So I wrote him, told him the news. He didn't read my email for over a week and I was totally on edge. ....

I started to worry, would I be able to survive if I was that close and I didn't see him? What would it be like seeing him in person? Would it be awkward? What if he was different in person? Would I be able to share a bed with him and come home and act like nothing happened? Am I strong enough to be with him knowing that I can't stay?

I was all excited and nervous when I wrote V to tell him I was coming. I'm sure my letter was a little pathetic. I tried not to sound too desperate. I wasn't sure if he was dating anyone or what was going on in his life. I think I said, "I really really hope to see you. I will try to understand if you can't or don't want to but please don't tell me yes unless you are certain." He replied, you will like Miami and maybe we will be able to spend some time together." Maybe? One sentence?  What kind of response was that? I reminded myself that I he rarely said anything personal in an email and tried not to panic.

I realized that whether I saw him or not, this was going to change everything.
It was the next day before I caught him online. I said "if you can't or don't want to see me when I'm there, I'll understand" He said, "don't be silly we've been hoping for this opportunity for over 2 years. I told you that you would come here for work someday." It was true, maybe six months after we met, one lonely night when I was feeling extra impatient and hopeless he did tell me that and repeated it many times.  

He asked when I was coming, where I was staying, who else was going, where my class was.  He said, maybe we will finally have our honeymoon. I felt a lot better, but the trip was still over a month away. I tried not to obsess about it too much but it was hard for me to stop thinking about it. 

V was responding to email regularly and talking to me, he was good at keeping me calm. He reminded me that what we already had was nice and that this wouldn't really be any different.

As the time grew nearer I asked for his phone number. I gave him my cell and hotel address and phone number, my flight information. I'm sure it was overkill but I didn't want anything to screw things up. He wouldn't give me his number until a couple of days before I got there. He always claimed he was trying to protect me when he held back information, I hated it anyway. I am a planner and he was not. He told me we would figure things out when I got there.

V knew I had an Aunt who lived alone in Fort Lauderdale. She never had children or married. My father was her only living sibling and she stopped speaking to him in 1986. My Mother was the only one who made an effort to stay in touch with her. Mom tried to talk her into moving here, or at least closer to us but Helen just couldn't do it. She was a sweet lady yet extremely nervous most of the time. She was 10 years older than Mom. Before I even mentioned I told her I was coming, V said you need to go visit your Aunt while you are here. My company was too cheap to pay for a rental car so I decided I would rent one when I arrived on Monday morning and take it back that evening. Class didn't start until Tuesday.  

Having an Aunt to go visit made it easier to take off without my coworkers, I didn't have to lie.When we arrived at the airport they took a shuttle to the hotel and I went to get my car. My cell phone was not that reliable and it had caused some stress for V and I before so I stopped on the way and called V from a payphone. My hands were sweaty when I picked up the receiver. He answered and asked how my flight was and how I was feeling. He told me to call him when I left my Aunt's house. I didn't want to wait that long but he said he had to work to finish. He told me it would be nice if I came over to his place after Helen's and promised he would follow me to drop off my car. I checked into the hotel and then headed off to Ft. Lauderdale.

I wanted to see his apartment. He described it to me when he moved in, there was a little pond behind it that he could see out of his kitchen window, three bedrooms, one for sleeping, one was his office the other had teddy bear wallpaper and stacks of boxes that included a comic book collection he never unpacked. 

One time before, when I went to visit my Aunt we tried to arrange a meeting and it didn't happen. I blamed him; he blamed me in the end we agreed to blame it on the fates. He said they were all bitches. Somehow we must have made them smile because this time it turned out right. 

My Aunt was happy to see me. I tried again to talk her into moving closer to me to no avail. We had a nice visit, looked at old photos. She bought me a bottle of coke because she remembered I drank that on my last visit. I actually liked diet but I was touched that she remembered so I drank some of it.   She had baked some chocolate chip cookies a few days before I came and had them in her freezer. She gave me little presents for my husband and my daughter and insisted I take the coke and the cookies when I left. 

I drove about a block from Helen's when I stopped to call V. My heart was racing; I wrote down directions to his place, it was like forty miles away. On the way I called my husband and daughter. Everything was normal there. T was playing with the girl next door and Jack was cooking dinner. I told them I would call them again before her bedtime.

I drove past downtown Miami watching the sunset; it really is a beautiful city. As I read the directions again I realized that the exit I took to go to my Aunt's was called Sunrise, and the exit to V's place was Sunset. 

I made a pact with myself in the car. I will not have sex with him the first time I meet him. Yes we've been talking for almost three years but it just wouldn't be right. It would cheapen what we have. 

The other reason I wanted to postpone sex, I was scared. I had only been with one man in my life and as I said before there were years when I didn't want it at all. It has been probably six months since I had sex with my husband. V talked to me about sex, obviously he was more experienced, but then most people my age were more experienced.

First he described how it would be and then I learned what to say that made him happy. I warned him before I came not to expect too much from me. Talking and doing were two different things. He told me he didn't love me for my experience. 

It was just getting dark when I arrived at his place. I stopped at a gas station close by to freshen up. I spent a long time that morning in my hotel room deciding what to wear. I didn't want to appear slutty or too rigid. After trying on everything in my suitcase I settled on a pair of jeans and a somewhat tight purple turtleneck. Screw it, I should be comfortable. Even Miami gets a little chilly in February.  I wanted to be me; it was sort of a dare. I didn't really think it was possible for anyone to want me for me. 

I didn't call again, I just walked up the stairs carrying the bottle of coke and the cookies Helen sent. I knocked on the door and there he was, smiling, calm, "there you are, I was worried you got lost". I couldn't hide my big smile. He was exactly as I expected him to be; tall, beautiful eyes, sweet smile, sexy body. He held the door open and I told him that the cookies and the soda were from Helen, I clumsily went in looking for a place to set them down. Finally I set them on the bar in the kitchen, and I walked back toward him and he was just looking at me like he didn't know what to do, I said "don't I get a hug?"

He looked relieved and gave me the nicest long hug I'd ever had. I whispered, "are you real?"  "I'm the real thing babe." I pinched him, he said ouch and we both laughed, then he looked down at me and kissed me. I can't even describe the way it felt, it was the best kiss I ever had. I never wanted it to end.

He held my hand and said "let me show you my place". The way he held my hand is hard to describe, his grasp was gentle yet I could feel his strength and occasionally he rubbed his thumb softly on my palm to reassure me. His living room was clean with a small white sofa facing the TV and stereo. In the kitchen he showed me the juicer he always talked about, we went in the hall, he pointed at the bathroom, when we walked by the master bedroom he simply turned the light on and off quickly and we kept moving, next was the room with the teddy bears on the wall and unpacked boxes, then his office. 

We went in the office and I looked at his computer where he sat when we talked. There were plans lying about, the chair with the torn armrest, everything was just as he described. I sat in the chair, and he showed some of the plans he had recently finished. I was mesmerized and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I loved hearing him talk, his voice coming out of a mouth I could see.

After a while we went back into the living room, he was holding my hand again. We were talking about where I need to go to drop off the rental car. I hugged him again, we kissed, and I couldn't keep my hands off of him. Things were moving quickly and suddenly he pulled away and said you don't want this, we have to leave soon and I want more than a quickie with you. 

I was totally embarrassed. I felt my face getting hot.  I said "sorry, you are right, we should go", he looked in my eyes and pulled me close to him, he squeezed my hand and pulled me in his room. He left the light off, he knew I was shy. He undressed quickly as I took off my boots; he pulled off my shirt, and we both tugged at my straight legged jeans. I trembled slightly as I lay back in his bed naked and looked at his beautiful naked body above me illuminated by the light in the hallway. 

As he laid on top of me, he kissed my forehead gently, then kissed my lips, my neck, he kissed my breasts, moved down my body slowly, I was so nervous but he continued exactly like he said he would. it was just like we talked about, I found comfort in that and soon I forgot it was our first time together. It was beautiful and wonderful, he fit into my body perfectly, the bond we had was finally consummated. It is cliche' but in that moment we were one. I can't describe it any other way.

We went into separate bathrooms to clean up. I know I wasn't that great. Later it was my favorite memory anyway. Loving him in his bed was so much more intimate than a hotel room.

I came out of the bathroom to find him making me some orange and carrot juice in the kitchen as he promised he would many times. 

He only had one stool and he was sitting on it.  I didn't really like the juice but I drank all of it because he made it. I started feeling insecure again, I said, it's getting late, if you don't feel like taking me to drop my car off I can take a shuttle or call a cab. He looked surprised and said don't be silly, let's go. 

As I followed him through a toll booth he told the two attendants standing there that he wanted to pay the toll for the pretty woman in the car behind him. I could see them laugh and they were both smiling and waving me through. I felt like Cinderella following my knight in shining armor. 

When we got to my hotel I asked him to come in. We were both paranoid riding the elevator though neither of us said anything. Both of us hoping to avoid my coworkers. 

When we got to my room I had to call home again. It was awkward telling my husband I love him with V in the room. I faced the wall as I talked to them. When I hung up he said "that wasn't so bad" although his expression wasn't that convincing.  

We were both silent for a moment then I offered him a diet coke that I had stashed in the mini refrigerator. 

We sat at the little table in my room laughing and talking about work and life, just like we did online. As you probably guessed we ended up naked again, I was a little less self conscious by then. No need for details but I will say that afterward when we needed to freshen up, we were comfortable enough to be in the bathroom together at the same time. 

It was pretty late and he started putting his clothes back on and with a sort of sad tone he said he should go. I frowned and said, "ok. I wish you would stay but I understand if you have to go"  He said "will you wake me up early"? My frown became a big smile and I said sure, he jumped back in the bed and patted my spot, we lay in bed curled up talked for hours.

I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to sleep. Once I was sure he was asleep I got up and sat by the window and smoked, all the while staring at him as he slept trying to memorize everything about him. I was afraid that if I fell asleep I might wake up and find out I was only dreaming again.

When I finally went back to bed he woke up and pulled me toward him gently, guiding my head to his shoulder. it was then that I was certain that regardless of everything outside of that room our bond was real. Romantic love is real and it makes breathing worth the effort.