Chapter 16

It's true that V was not always nice to me when I was feeling insecure. In fact he often made fun of me when I whined about whatever was stressing me out. I try to fight it but the truth is I am a worrier. I worry about everyone and everything. All my life I tried to be the voice of reason. In reality my voice had little or no effect on those around me that I tried to "enlighten".

 I often felt responsible for everyone else’s mistakes because I didn't prevent them from making them in the first place. Instead of saying "awe poor sweet K, she is so caring and sensitive" V said "hey dummy stop worrying about things you have no control over. Appreciate the good in the people around you. If someone does something you don't approve of don't participate." I needed to hear that many times for it to sink in.

Ultimately V was the one in control in our relationship. I never allowed that with anyone else. That is why I felt so lost whenever he wasn't around.

Though the Dr. gave Dad six months to live in 7/01 he died in 5/02. He was a fighter. I was fortunate to be able to see him once more in 3/02. The day before Dad died I spoke to V briefly. He had not been around often. I never stopped obsessing over his absences. I made an effort not to complain about it to him anymore. I only wanted his attention if he wanted to give it to me. I didn't want to be just another obligation.

I wrote to let him know that I was going to Chicago. The funeral was a week away and like always I was checking daily to see if he read it. When I came home he still had not opened it.

 Right or wrong I was hurt. He knew what I was going through with Dad. I decided he was avoiding me because he knew I was grieving and he couldn't deal with it.  I sulked and then reassured myself that I would hear from him soon. I didn't hear from him soon. Week after week I checked my email looking for a sign of his existence, nothing.  I had no phone number to call, no address, no mutual friend to call just nothing.

After the first month I started checking obituaries... just in case. I also called hospitals; there are a lot of hospitals in Miami.  After two months with no sign of him I truly believed he had decided to move on.

 I was already depressed over losing Dad, the added weight of losing V and the fact we were struggling financially again made it pretty hard to put on a happy face. I did my best to do so for daughter's benefit. It would be unfair to everyone if I fell apart again like I did when Mom died.

For almost four months I wrote goodbye letters almost every day and checked obituaries. I would un-send whatever I sent the time before and re-write it. One day I would write something mean, the next day sad and pathetic, the next day understanding and grateful. I left the oldest note out there as a reminder of the day he disappeared.

 9/15/02 I received an email. “Hi I’ve been away, how are you?”

He was online when I read it. An instant message popped up “Hi”

 I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face.

Me: hello stranger

Me: nice to know you are alive, it’s been a long time

V: yes it has. nice to find you here. I missed you.

Me: where did you go?

V: I’ve been sick

Me: what’s wrong? are you ok?

V: I am better than I was. I was in the hospital for a few weeks.

Me: why were you in the hospital? I’ve been so worried about you

V: I know you were worried baby. I promise I will tell you all about it when I know everything is ok

Me: are you ok?

V:  I’m ok right now. I’ll let you know if anything changes

Me:  promise you will tell me soon?

V: I promise, how have you been sweetheart?

He never told me why he was in the hospital. I wasn’t sure I should believe him. He said he was in the hospital for a few weeks; it had been four months since I heard from him.

I was happy to hear from him. Our bond was not as strong but I still felt it. He didn’t tell me when he was moving, still wouldn’t talk to me about the new woman and now he won’t tell me why he was in the hospital. It is hard to trust someone who doesn't trust you back.

We pretty much picked up where we left off except now I stayed on guard more than ever. He repeatedly promised he would stay with me forever and I let him think I believed him.  I convinced myself that it won’t hurt as much when he disappears the next time because I will be expecting it.