Chapter 9

Class ended earlier than I expected. A couple of people booked flights out at 1:00 so we were at the airport before noon; most of us were scheduled for the 4:00 flight. They had room for all of us but one on the earlier flight, I volunteered to take the later flight selfishly hoping I could spend some time talking to V or maybe even see him once more before I left, if nothing else it would be good to have time to process the week and come back to reality before facing my husband.

Carolyn spoke up, "You shouldn't have to wait by yourself, I will wait with you." "Where is your husband?" I asked.  "He left early this morning." Trying to convince her to go I said "It's ok really, I appreciate the offer but I have a book I would like to finish anyway" "No, I am staying too."  "Okay" I said with a smile.

Carolyn is beautiful, long dark curly hair, thin, tall, porcelain white skin and bright too. I did not know her well. Our jobs were not closely related. She is seven or eight years younger than I am. 

I thought Chris was kidding when he made a big deal out of Carolyn changing the radio station during some 80's hair band song on our way back from  South Beach. After everyone else boarded their flight she told me they had a serious argument about it after they got back to the hotel.

I didn't tell her that I already suspected they were having a tiff. I was gazing out the window the night before waiting for V to arrive when I looked down and noticed they were out by the pool.  They were standing, her arms crossed, facing him. I couldn't hear anything or see his face but his head was bobbing and his arms and hands were emphasizing his point. When they sat down at a table and I closed the curtain.

He scheduled his flight earlier than hers when he booked it. She told me that she didn't want him to come at all. Chris's hair was almost as long and curly as Cathy's though a little lighter in color. He looked like a 1985 rocker. Being that this was 2001 he stood out a little.

They grew up in a rural area not far from here. They started dating in high school. She told me he was still in an 80's hair band. He said his sole reason for coming with her was to visit some music studios and drop off some of his songs. I never heard his music so I have no idea if it was good or not but she seemed embarrassed about it.  She told me she felt his real motive was to come to baby sit her. He wanted to spend all of their time together and she wanted a little independence.  I tried to be supportive. "Marriage is hard the first few years. It's better to talk to him about what is bothering you than keep it all inside." I was thinking, man she picked the worst person in this airport to talk to about marital problems.

We went up to the restaurant/bar on the top floor of the Miami airport. One wall is all windows and faces the runway.  We both nursed sodas and watched the planes landing and taking off. I settled in with a book. I was in the habit of carrying a copy of the Prophet in my purse. When I was having a hard day I could read a little and it helped me keep things in perspective. I was too emotional to read and comprehend it now. I decided to read something by Carl Hiaason that I borrowed from my sister. Still I wasn't retaining anything I read. I excused myself and went to the ladies room found an empty stall and cried.

"Why am I crying?" I thought. I had just lived a dream come true. I never even had to make up a lie to tell my husband. I knew I couldn't compare three nights with him to the nineteen years I had known my husband. I wondered; if I wasn't married and didn't have a small child, would V and I really stand a chance of staying together?

Thoughts of the past couple of years were rushing through my mind. V was a passionate man. When he wanted to talk to me he was tireless and relentless and I believed he loved me completely. When he was not in the mood to talk he would not read my email for a week or longer. I never fully understood the breaks he would take. I probably needed them too but I always hated it.  

The past week was more than a voice on the phone or an instant message conversation or a link to a poignant poem or story as a response to some long rambling letter I'd sent.

Questions buzzed about in my head. Will this change our relationship for better or worse or will it stay the same?   Will I be able to face my husband when I get home?

I started thinking about the counselor I went to see a year or so before. I agreed to go mostly to make my husband happy after found me talking to V at 3 am one lonely night. I went alone because I wanted to sort things out honestly. Many times I seriously thought I must be insane. I told her that I thought I was in love with someone and all I know of him is what he says to me on a computer and a voice I had heard on the phone a few times. I told her "it makes no sense because I am married and he has lived with another woman for several years. We don't have much of a chance of having a future together yet we have a bond unlike that I have felt with anyone else.

The counselor told me that my relationship with V was probably appealing to me because I was afraid to commit to my husband.  I had told her about his health issues and that I was afraid that he might die soon and that I had never been alone.

When I told V I talked to a counselor about us he got upset. "Why do you need to talk to someone else about us? Let me be your counselor. I am already your friend and your lover, right?" "Yes but" he interrupted "I'm sure they will tell you that our relationship is bad for you. Counselors do not know everything. Do I make you unhappy?"  "No, honestly, I am not sure how I would have made it through the last year without you." I responded. "Did she tell you that you should talk to your husband about us? " "No and even she did i wouldn't. Nothing has changed. I can't change the way I feel about you. I also can't change the fact that he is the father of my child. It would be wrong to abandon him when he is not capable of taking care of himself. If I told him that I feel the way I do it would only cause more damage. I need to figure out how to make life better for all of us."

I told him the counselor said I had a fear of commitment "You, a woman who has been with the same man for nineteen years and the same company for twelve years are the one with a fear of commitment." he laughed.  "I know it sounded dumb to me at first too." When I told him the rest he said, "Is that true?" "It's true that I am afraid Jack might die soon" I said. "Aren't we all going to die too soon?" he asked. "Yes, we are" I agreed. "You don't know, he might outlive both of us."

"Do you believe it is wrong for us to be in love?" I paused trying to choose my words "No. Loving you gave me hope when I had none. I feel better, I rarely smoke pot anymore, I read more, and I'm a happier person than I have been in a long time. Honestly I am a better mother, better wife, and better person because of you."

 "Okay then, it's settled, when you are trying to sort things out come to me. You can tell me everything, you know that" he said. "From now on I will be your priest, your counselor, your friend, your lover and whatever else you need me to be."  

Remembering his promise helped me pull myself together. I came out of the stall. I stopped outside the door and called V. When he answered my smile returned. He never allowed me to call him before this week. He always called me and after the first time we spoke he insisted that I confirm it was okay online first.

"Hello Mrs. H, I'm happy you called. Where are you?"  "I'm in the airport, waiting for my flight. I just wanted to call to thank you for being with me this week. Spending time with you in person was better than I imagined it would be."  "Don't thank me sweetheart, it was wonderful. I feel good today, how are you?"  "I am good, a little sleepy, and sore" I said. "Are you going to be okay when you get home?" he asked. "I'm fine" I replied. Hearing his voice calmed me. "It is nice waking up with you in the morning." he said.   "I loved waking up with you too V."  "Next time will be even better." he said reassuringly. Those words gave me a sense of  relief. "You always give me something to look forward to, thanks for that sweetheart." I said.

"I'm sure your little girl will be happy to see you" he said. "Yes, I missed her too" I said. "I'm sure your husband is looking forward to seeing you too" V said. "He probably is, he has had to cook, clean, drive T to and from school all week." I said trying to keep the moment light. 

"I should probably go find Carolyn. Will you be online tonight?" I asked "I will try babe, but if I'm not you should write me one of those long beautiful letters you write. I enjoy your letters, did I tell you that?." " I write you too often and ramble on about nothing" I said "You don't write often enough. I look forward to your letters. I always read every word." he responded in a soft voice. "I will write" I promised  "I need to get back to work babe." he said apologetically.   "Okay honey, I know you are busy"   "I love you K"  "I love you too V." "I know, write me"

I found Carolyn at the table where I left her. "Sorry I was gone so long I stopped and called home." "Oh it's okay, I just got off the phone with Chris" she said. "Is everything okay?" I asked. "Yeah we are good, he drives me crazy sometimes but I love him anyway" "Welcome to married life" I said with a smile. ....

....